Life on the Fourth Floor

I feel vindicated by the amount of traffic I get to this comic from people asking Google if “regenium” is a real word or a real chemical element. You have every right to be sceptical, people. It’s neither of those things.

But don’t let that stop you from filling your product description with spurious pseudoscience, L’Oréal!

L’Oréal Paris have specially formulated their Elvive Conditioner to contain this Age-Defying programme with Regenium which turns weak hair into visibly thicker, fuller hair. L’Oréal Elvive Conditioner Regenium will leave your hair feeling visibly thicker, fuller, healthier, and shinier with extra added volume.

The beauty part is that L’Oréal Elvive Regenium is advertised as containing Regenium — so it contains itself. It’s like advertising peanut butter as containing peanut butter. But your hair will feel healthier. Note: this is not the same thing as being healthier. It’s just a feeling, like the Christmas spirit. You can’t quantify a feeling. No doubt this is to protect them from litigation.

Not sure about the legality of “Age-Defying”. I mean, even the most specially-formulated programme can’t unlock the secrets of time travel. Maybe they reason you can defy age all you want, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be successful.

I should just let this go, but Regenium is a word now. They created it, gave life to it. These words surround us, we live with them every day, and it’s worth taking a little time to think about where they come from and why they exist.

One of those artforms that nobody talks about is the art of making up new words for the purposes of corporate bull hockey. It’s got to sound scientific enough to feel like a real thing but it also needs to remind you of positive things so you’ll buy the product.

Think about it, not only did they have to invent Prozac (or fluoxetine), they also had to invent the word “Prozac”. I remember reading something by the person at Eli Lilly & Company who invented the word. They wanted “Pro-” in there to make people think positively and then “zac” because the letter “z” makes things sound cool and futuristic. “Regenium” I guess makes people think about regeneration? Or royalty? But, interestingly, there doesn’t appear to be a real chemical like fluoxetine behind the made-up brand name. It’s just a word they made up for a conditioner and nobody remembers but me because I immortalised regenium in a dumb comic. Ah, the circle of life.