Always Improving

Aug26
by on 26th August 2005 at 01:25
Posted In: Blog

Before I tell you about all the good things I’ve been doing just for you, I’d like to take a moment to complain about something nobody else cares about. It really annoys me when people use the phrase ‘on accident’. I come across it from time to time when I read blog posts and articles, so I can only assume it’s one of those phrases like “hold down the fort”, “irregardless”, “normalcy” and “acclimate” that have fallen into common usage despite being incorrect English. Allow me to clarify.

You cannot do something ‘on accident’. That is impossible. You can do something on purpose. You can do something by mistake or by accident but combinations such as ‘on accident’ or ‘by purpose’ are nonsense. Whew! That feels better.

Anyway, like I said, I am always improving. I have fixed the wallpapers page and I’m working on a news post archive. That’s not all, however. A big improvement I’m making is to go back and turn all of the comics into .png files rather than jpegs. I realised today that the new format will take up less space but will be have higher quality and to be honest, the time and detail I have lavished on these comics was too great for some of that detail to not be seen.

Let’s see how it goes. Again, early days, under construction, etc. Have patience with anything crazy. Isn’t it nice that I’m doing these things just for you? I love you just the way you are. Why don’t you make the site your homepage? Then we can be bestest friends forever! What’s more, you will become irresistible to the opposite sex. As if on magic.

I am going to Leeds Festival this weekend but I have Monday off because it is a bank holiday and I work for a bank. I will probably be at least hung-over on Monday but I will be able to improve the site and post another rant anyway. The festival is going to rock. Prepare to throw up the horns, my friends.

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Gah!

Aug25
by on 25th August 2005 at 01:32
Posted In: Blog

I hope, as I write this, that there are four new comics available.

Okay, I am now officially a web cartoonist because I fell behind in my schedule to the disappointment of my readers for the first time. I apologise to fans of Life on the Fourth Floor and each and every one of you. In fact, I’m pretty sure there is just one of you left.

It is no coincidence that the last post on this page, which has not been updated for the past week and a half, discussed my first day of work and the very next day, I stopped updating. My first ever job has hit me like a tonne of bricks. Bricks with grudges. Urgh. I’m getting into the routine of getting up at 6:45 in the morning, catching the bus into the city centre, working until 4:30, getting home and crashing. It’s been nothing but exhausting and intensive training for the past two weeks. I am tired. Anyway, here’s what happened.

I realised as I began to upload the storyline regarding Amy’s virginity that I had left it unresolved. There needed to be more. I drew another strip, inked, scanned and got it onto the site the day before work started. I still needed to draw another strip to resolve the storyline. I considered leaving it and returning to it later but that would have sucked. I assumed, however, that within the next two days I would be able to draw, ink, scan, colour and upload that final comic. Well, working is harder than I thought it would be and my meals have taken up more time than I expected, so I was actually unable to do this.

So then I thought I could catch up over the weekend and humbly apologise on the Monday. However, I forgot about my parents’ silver wedding anniversary on the Saturday, at which I would have to deliver a speech. I ended up writing the speech on the Thursday night and editting it on the train.

After that, I was kidnapped by goblins. They took me to the heart of their mountain kingdom, to the sacred stone which dwelt there. The stone asked me a series of complex riddles and set me three tasks. The first was to retrieve the skin of the serpent of Na’el. The second was to climb to the top of Mount Frightening and steal from its peak the Eyes of Jik. The third was to find a date for the grotesque Beast of Bras’kal. When I answered the riddles and finished my tasks, the goblins led me to a forgotten kingdom within the Forest of Steel. This was the kingdom of the trolls, from which no mortal man had returned. The trolls, seeing that I had proven myself worthy, entrusted me with the magical sword Flameblight, which only hurts evil people. Before I could use it, however, I would have to pass a final test: a test of virtue. To prove that I was pure of heart, I would have to fall on the blade. If I failed the test, I would die. If I passed the test, I would have to take the sword far into the North and slay the frost dragon Grixip.

I can’t remember what happened after that. To cut a long story short, I beheaded the king’s vizier, the kingdom was saved, the trolls’ plot was thwarted and I finally finished the strip. All of the strips which follow it, a buffer of about thirty strips, will now be updated on time. I promise. When the buffer runs out… well, let’s not think about that right now. I need some sleep. I hope you enjoy the writer’s block story arc. If you do, send me an e-mail. If you don’t, send me an e-mail. I feel I will have made it as a cartoonist when I receive my first e-mail giving me feedback for my work. Will you be the sender of that e-mail?

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First Day of Work

Aug15
by on 15th August 2005 at 12:00
Posted In: Blog

What is up, my homies? I have made a new comic. I believe it is the shit.

Today is the day I join the ranks of the employed and become a wheel in the capitalist machine. I am, as of today, a trainee customer arrears advisor. Actually, I’m a debt collector. This is not information HBOS wished to divulge in the job advert, however, and therefore I applied for the job of customer arrears advisor without actually knowing what one was. I knew there was a good salary and benefits as well as a yearly bonus. I knew the hours were acceptable. I just didn’t know what I was doing (as always).

As far as I’m aware, debt collecting no longer entails appearing on the doorsteps of unsuspecting debtors and beating twelve kinds of shit out of them. Now, we sit in call centres, phone people up and persuade them to pay back the money themselves. I suppose if they refuse, there’s nothing much we can really do save asking them to beat twelve kinds of shit out of themselves. This job is going to test my powers of persuasion to the limit.

Anyway, I saw The Fantastic Four on Saturday. It wasn’t fantastic as such but it was original. No-one’s super-powers caused them great pain or landed them with a burden of great responsibility. There wasn’t even much of a plot. Basically, a bunch of pretty people gain super-powers and do exactly what anyone else would do. They think it’s cool. The villain doesn’t really appear until the end and is then easily defeated. Fun is had by all and the audience has a few laughs. Like I said, it’s original. The film has little in the way of substance but it isn’t trying to be substantial. A.I. was trying to be substantial but just ended up being boring. Just think, they could have made a fun film about cool robots. Just as silly, more entertaining.

Let me make this clear, The Fantastic Four was crap. But it was the endearing, enjoyable kind of crap. A good film to see with friends. Any movie in which Jessica Alba has to strip naked in order to be invisible is fine by me, even if she was horribly miscast. I can’t think of a single film which could not benefit from Jessica Alba removing clothing.

More on my first day of work on Wednesday, after I’ve actually been.

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Middle Ground

Aug12
by on 12th August 2005 at 12:00
Posted In: Blog

As always, there is a new comic to see.

So, is Amy a virgin or someone who sleeps around a lot? Those sound like two radical extremes. There is a middle ground, kids, between lots of sex and no sex at all. I’m not really sure what it is and I don’t consider it my life’s work to find out. I just draw pictures.

Speaking of pictures, I’ve got lots of feedback wondering why the female characters have such strangely-shaped breasts. Well, here’s the deal: I can draw breasts but I can’t draw bras.

Think about it.

 

“What about the crabs? Forgot about them. Sideways quizzlings!”

Bill Bailey, Insect Nation

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Holiday Fun

Aug10
by on 10th August 2005 at 12:00
Posted In: Blog

I think you will be pleasantly surprised to see that a new comic is available to delight you.

I am back from France, so the window of opportunity for breaking into my house has closed. We spent a week there, during which we went to the zoo and my sister stroked an ibis. A great holiday all round.

The strips you have seen are still rather introductory in their nature. If you read them and the cast page, you should be ready for the first real storyline of the strip. It’s quite long but with so few readers, I can afford to spend ages on one story which will be read in a few minutes in the archives. You fellows already reading will love it too, I’m sure. And I love you – as a token of my love, I shall fix the wallpapers page.

“What about the worms? They’re eyeing up your car – yeah! ‘How can a worm drive a car?’ you say. Two on the pedals, two on the wheel, one on the A to Z. It could happen!”

Billy Bailey, Insect Nation

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